Blue Tools

You see them in the grocery store, just yakking away lost in conversation. At first it seems they are talking to themselves until you notice the little Borg contraption in their ear, fluttering and blinking in that shade of blue that can only mean "Damn, I'm getting pulled over AGAIN!" or "Brain Tumor Alert!...Brain Tumor Alert!" Then you realize with that rising revulsion that reminds you of that time you swallowed beer can ashtray swill (a separate rant entirely) that you've just crossed the path of a Bluetool in their native habitat. Native habitat being anywhere where a person sees them in public with their blinking ear, blinking with authority and purpose, the purpose of course being so we can secretly hate them and all that they stand for. What do they stand for you ask? Technological superiority, looking down their noses at you while their blinkity blink ridiculousness pitys you for being so 'behind the times'. They are puffer fish, all air (and a few scales I guess) and bluster. They are self-important. Full of themselves. They scoff at the primitive way you hold your Blackberry to your ear like a Geico caveman. They are the enemy.


How do we even know they are talking to someone at all? Sure, they puff out their chests and 'look' like they are in the middle of some important communication, perhaps closing a multi-million dollar real estate deal or arranging some country club booster party for whatever university they are alumi of. But really, I suspect they aren't talking to anyone at all. Maybe, just maybe, they are like the lonely guy at the party that opens his cell phone and pretends to text someone so they aren't the loser dork alone in the corner, or the person that signs up for mailing lists just so they get email of SOME sort, or even the person that dials 'time of day' just to hear someone's voice (if you are under 35, you won't get that reference, sorry.) They 'look' busy, they 'look' professional, and perception after all is everything these days isn't it? Perhaps they are simply avoiding conversation with normal people in the real world that make them nervous, so they pretend to be talking to somebody, anybody. It keeps them safe. It's simple fear of confrontation in some cases.

Now look, I understand the utility of such devices, I know there are legitimate users and uses of this technology. I myself have a Bluetooth headset that I leave in my car for legal reasons. Read "LEAVE IN MY CAR". I don't go all cyberpunk and strap myself with my 15 dollar Radio Shack hardware and cruise the street looking for geek chicks, dig? Ipods? Okay I get that, music players are cool. Having your tunes with you wherever you go is a great thing. But why the Bluetooth headset out and about? You can't hold your phone? You need both hands free? Do these people stay jacked into their cellular carrier during geek sex? I think they do. I'm sure it's usually a solo act too, if ya know what I'm saying.

Have you ever been in line in front of one of these self-absorbed wanna-be's? You hear someone talking, so you turn around and say "Pardon me?" just so they can say "Oh, sorry I'm on the phone" with that oh-so important look while they are gesticulating towards their earhole with their finger. I've been there and it is not pretty. Sometimes it's all you can do to not give the jerk a Bluetooth nose implant. I've danced that dance friends. Self-restraint is severely tested during such encounters believe me. It really does feel like you may be doing the world a service, but occasionally it is best to leave well enough alone. Let sleeping dogs lie.

Bluetools. They're in the stores, malls, the DMV, adult video stores (so I've heard), libraries, the gym, all freaking over the place. They think they are cool, and we should just leave them with that illusion. We need to take the high road. Be the better person. It is much safer that way after all. Pulling the earpiece off of one of these freaks and smashing it into heel butter would be the same as pulling the Soduku book out of a tweeker's hands or re-gifting that 10,000 piece Sistine Chapel jigsaw puzzle with the one missing piece. Some scary shit could end up happening.